In 2014, during my Essence coaching course, I got into a conversation with Roland Bosch, organizational consultant, trainer and coach. When I met Roeland again this week, I told him about how he inspired me at the time, not to move away from irritation and resistance, but to investigate it.
“Resistance is not something to be avoided. Resistance is an expression of something that someone finds important and that has emotion behind it. That feeling often refers to important values and beliefs. So valuable to consider. ” (Roeland Bosch).
Roeland Bosch is an organizational consultant, trainer and coach with a psychology background. Roeland works as an independent entrepreneur (IKOS consultation) and for larger assignments he collaborates with other advisors.
I met Roeland in the Westergasfabriek, on an autumn afternoon of 2014. Although he is completely rained wet, he meets me with his broad pleasant smile. Who can resist such an appearance?
I know the theme of resistance from the practice of leadership. I often experienced that negative experiences with previous managers meant that employees with suspicious eyes welcomed me as a newcomer. I also learned in practice how to deal with anger or sadness that employees showed when I gave them attention and showed curiosity. I realized that those emotions were often related to past memories. In situations with colleagues who put you on a pedestal because you happen to be their supervisor, I sometimes caught myself adopting a paternal attitude, a form of counter-transfer. Now I wanted to know how you deal with these themes as a coach.
While I tell him that I want to talk to him about transfer, among other things, I realize that the choice to approach him may also have to do with form of transfer. I had previously experienced him as an inspirer during a leadership training. At the time, I was very impressed with his cheerful, self-assured appearance while he stayed for a large group of managers and showed his feelings. Now I expected good advice from him, as from my father, but I am quickly helped out of that dream by his hesitant first reaction.
Well, what is resistance actually? He muses. It's normal for someone to resist when you confront. I often don't call it resistance. And especially in one-on-one conversations, this is a good reason to keep asking questions. It matters whether someone voluntarily opts for coaching or whether someone is “sent” by his manager. And in team coaching, resistance often says more about the dynamics within the team than about an individual.
Roeland tells an anecdote:
I recently had a customer who had been told by his supervisor that more was expected of him to maintain relationships with his customers and suppliers. He did not see the usefulness and necessity of this and felt resistance, but suddenly realized during the conversation that it was perhaps more about his effort and inability to give substance to this. So the resistance brought him new insights.
In one-on-one processes you switch a lot by pushing along and against the throttle. I also re-contract a lot, so you always coordinate the wishes of the customer. How far does he want to go in sharing dilemmas and underlying themes? Someone had requested 360 degree feedback from their employees and wanted to share this with me. I then checked whether he was willing to share what kind of litter he comes from. He was only willing to do this after he understood that this would enable me to contribute ideas and relate the criticism to aspects of his upbringing and social environment.
I actually always run into resistance with peer groups. If you try to reveal patterns when discussing case histories, it is often difficult for people to recognize. Then it happens faster that people show resistance. How do you recognize that there is a transfer? I recognize this when the reaction of someone in the group is more violent than I expect based on the situation.
In a group it can happen that someone lashes out at me. I then check what I have said, which makes the other person emotional. Often the emotion can be traced back to a form of transfer, because in a group I position myself more as a leader. Hierarchy by definition evokes transfer and often also resistance.
What I do a lot is my own feeling, using my reaction in the coaching conversation. If I feel uncomfortable, it may be that others that this person works with may experience the same experience. By giving back my feeling in response, the coached person can investigate whether this reaction occurs more often.
Do you ever catch yourself counter-transfer? Roeland laughs at the term “catching”. Getting caught sounds like it shouldn't be there, and I think it's important to recognize that countertransference can also be of value if you're aware of it. Vigilance for your own reaction is always important. I am especially very alert to myself if I feel a lot of emotion in a conversation, feel a lot of compassion or impatience. So if there is too much distance or involvement on my part, I know to be careful. Before you know it, you're going to try to save someone and that won't help anyone.
How do you prevent this? I don't deal with that too theoretically. I believe that as a coach you have to have some intuition, so I don't want to react too reasoning, convulsively during a conversation. If I notice that my thoughts are drawing attention, I try not to judge it, but to use it constructively. For example, I say: “I notice that I am getting irritated by this”. Or when I get impatient, I ask myself what I'm missing in the conversation. Are we not getting to the essence enough? I can then also bring that up for discussion.
Reports also reveal a lot about possible resistance. Why do certain things go unmentioned? I always ask coachees to make reports of conversations and consciously do not make reports of conversations myself. Based on the idea that the coachee himself remains more “in the lead” about his own coaching trajectory. I will respond to the report if I receive it. I only record the action points. I like to challenge you to experiment. For example, I recently spoke to a marketer who was always thinking about work when she was at home. At work she started to do something else when she started to worry, but she couldn't do it well at home. That is why I agreed with her that if she found herself thinking, she would clean up.
Does it sometimes happen that he refrains from coaching someone after an initial conversation? I ask him. If I have too many cross-connections, I don't start. For example, if I coach a manager, I will not also coach one of his employees. I also do not coach someone if they do not want to be coached themselves, for example someone who has been sent by their manager. That is why I always let the potential coachee contact me first. But I don't remember, for example, missing someone because of the lack of a click. I believe I should be buddies with something in the other. So you always find a click.
I do sometimes refer you to a therapist. I then discuss that a number of questions are eligible for coaching, but that another part will not be addressed. I advise: consider looking for help next to or after the coaching for those other questions, which are more related to personal life and are not work-related. A person can best determine what he needs at that moment. Perhaps only coaching is enough for now and he is still looking for a psychotherapist at a later date.
I ask him about his biggest pitfalls in coaching. He mentions impatience as a recurring point of attention. Sometimes someone is not ready for anything. Sometimes I am a bit self-absorbed in the sense of: I think I can see very well what is going on here, but you don't see it yourself yet ”. We both laugh at the recognition. Another point is that I don't always define the boundary between coaching and therapy. Sometimes I am rooting too much in private matters. I do this, because I think that sustainable change also means that you have to go deeper, at conviction and identity level you quickly get under someone's skin and the boundary between work and private life can no longer be drawn so sharply.
While he talks passionately about this, I hear an important conviction and motivation from Roeland. He continues about one of his passions: systemic work, in which he looks at the past by simulating a family situation and organizational constellations. I often ask: what kind of nest do you come from, what is important to you, how do you think you were formed? What does that say about the here and now? The goal is to become freer in the here and now, not to keep rooting in the past. This transfer and projection are also related to this, so often the reflex says a lot about the past, more than what is going on here and now.
And so we come back to the theme of resistance. Our conclusion of the evening is that resistance is often a good reason to reflect on someone's values, if you think about it, it shows something you can do with.
While I travel home, I realize that, like Roeland, I am very accessible and approachable and that I do not evoke much resistance. He told me about this, that for a time he saw this as a quality, but that he learned to watch out, not to lose his individuality. This is very recognizable to me. By empathizing with the other person too much, I convey the confrontational message in such a way that someone can hear it, so that it evokes less resistance. But sometimes I do my own feeling too short or even stronger, I come across as matt and soft. A more definite way of expressing, with my own emotion in it, comes in deeper and can affect the other more. For example, counter-transfer can also be a useful means, provided it is allowed consciously and in doses, to use in coaching.
That same week I experience in several conversations how valuable it is to be aware of my own emotion and to show it more to the other. I also express my emotion, as Roeland did: "I notice that I get irritated". No conflict arises when I say this, but rather a much more lively conversation in which the other person also dares to show his emotions more. So a valuable insight.
Looking back at the interview, the most important lesson for me was that resistance and transmission is not something to be afraid of or to avoid. It is precisely by paying attention to it that a valuable conversation can start, which is much more useful to the coachee. That same evening I intend to be alert to signs of resistance in conversations as a manager and especially as a coach, to use this as a starting point for more depth and to get to the essence faster.