Whether you are an expat, immigrant, gay or divorced mother, we all differ. The outside world expects you to adapt. We'll do that, because we have a natural need to be part of the monoculture. Sin! By accepting myself with all my particulars, I feel more free. Then it no longer matters where I live and where my home is, because I feel good with myself wherever I am. I come home to myself.
With this, May Ing Tan briefly summarizes the basis of Essence Coaching, a course where she is one of the main teachers and to which I was able to contribute in 2014 as a co-trainer. Coaching is a trend in the Netherlands. There are about 40.000 coaches in the Netherlands and more and more people are temporarily guided by a coach. “Why is the need for coaching so great?” I asked her in August 2014.
Tan: In our culture it is “not done” to investigate your own person to the depths. Thereby, therapy is only destined for those who really have a problem and need help to function in our society. Coaching is more accessible because it focuses on both your work and your personality. With coaching you do not dig into the past, but you get to work with the things you encounter in the here and now. This fits in with the current need for quick results on the one hand and self-realization on the other.
In the Netherlands, many employees are sent to a coach by their manager because they are not performing optimally or because the organization expects something different from them. For example, they need to become more assertive or collaborate better. The Anglican corporate culture demands a lot from its employees. The employer pays for the coaching process and therefore expects something in return: higher productivity, better performance, loyalty. This is reflected in the annual appraisal interviews. In the Netherlands you are expected to be individualistic, but also to conform to the rest and thus adapt to the middle bracket. This combination places high demands on someone's behavior. Coaching can help to deal with this better.
The term 'coach' is used for all kinds of personal counseling, even if someone is actually a therapist, supervisor, advisor, counselor or consultant. What distinguishes Essence coaching? There are many coaches who just “fix” someone, says Tan. Essence coaching is different, because you restore the connection of your personality with your passion and your origin. Tan therefore does not work with clients who are directed by their boss, that would not work.
Tan explains: You cannot help yourself from your personality alone. But in contact with your origin you find very effective answers and you change quickly. You not only change your behavior, but you also find your own unique identity. A student recently said that he experiences Essence coaching as very light: the insights touch you very deeply while you are solving very basic problems.
A typical working method in Essence coaching is “Direct experience”. What is that? Tan: By feeling and thinking at the same time, you stay more in the moment. You feel what is present at that moment, and not the thoughts and emotions of the past. Direct experience is such an effective means, because the drama, the story, is omitted when feeling. For example, Tan recently spoke to someone who was strongly convinced of something and who always wanted to propagate this. That took a lot of energy. I asked: Just stop for a moment. What are you experiencing now? She said, When I stand still, I go crazy. Apparently she was scared, she avoided the pain. If you stop for a moment, you discover that you may feel lonely, or that you have developed one-sidedness, for example by having to be very strong.
We also work a lot with integration, says Tan, for example the integration of your feeling, your thinking and your will. She tells about a valued manager who came to her. She is a strong woman with a powerful appearance. As she paused to reflect on the moment, she realized she was actually always being criticized by her mother and is still proving herself. While there is no reason to do so now. Her will had taken on a life of its own. In terms of polarities, her mind had become more dominant than her body, and her masculine half took over from her feminine half. Through the integration you will find your own center and you will find more balance, in your perpendicular. The softer side of this powerful woman was there again. In this way you do not develop unilaterally, but you become connected with all your potentials within yourself. If you don't know that you're running through like that to prove yourself, keep going. The insight means that you can decide to stop.
May Ing Tan is not only inspired by Lenne Gieles, the founder of Essentiecoaching and author of the book “Thuis”. Robert Quinn has also inspired her when he writes about competing values. He uses combinations of opposite words that complement each other. An example of such polarity is “responsible freedom”. Freedom without responsibility does not work. He also talks about “hard love”, “lovingly setting boundaries”, and “grounded vision”. If you unite these polarities, you are in the middle yourself and, depending on the situation, you can move more to the left or more to the right. This gives you more freedom. You no longer become dependent on patterned behavior. You get more control over your choices.
Essence coaching is always about changing yourself and opening up your own abilities. How did May Ing establish the connection between feeling, thinking and wanting? May Ing: “I'm actually very sensitive, but I put the feeling aside at some point. Through the integration of thinking and feeling I regained my soft strength. In addition to determining and steering, I can now also follow more, have more fun and enjoy instead of having to. This makes me more in touch with people. At the same time, I am better able to make big decisions, because I am less afraid of my own strength. I was very bossy but at the same time insecure. One evening it took me a long time to recognize how bossy I actually was. That was my first step towards integration. Now I'm less bossy and more confident about myself.
May Ing was almost 13 when they fled from Indonesia to Germany. She talks about her childhood: I ended up in the Netherlands through a wanderings. Everything was strange and I didn't speak the language. Yet I looked at that strange thing differently, because I knew we were going to live here. When we entered the Netherlands by train, we passed a row of houses and I was so amazed at how small the houses and gardens were. That people could live so close together. I also noticed how much people kissed in the street. Sexuality and intimacy was very visible and public. Her mother taught her to explore everything new. She took her on the bus, from start to finish. The bus driver said: You have to get out. But my mother said: no, we are happy to go to the other end point.
May Ing Tan gained a lot of experience working with immigrants, such as expats and refugees. For example, she worked at ISIS for over 10 years. This organization focuses on managing diversity. Tan: After so many years I know that there is no difference at all between the Dutch and anyone else. The Dutch also have difficulty with their own lack of politeness, with adaptation, with the uncouth.
If you come from abroad, it takes some getting used to that behavior and language use in the Netherlands is rather rough and direct. At the time, her father was very affected by this. I learned that it was better to close my soft side. Just like all other Dutch people. That was good for her career, but she also lost a part of herself. May Ing's message to immigrants: Stay true to yourself and stay connected. Don't be put off by the roughness and directness or if you are rejected by the other. Try to connect with others, even if it is difficult at first. The other person may keep your distance because you look different. Don't shy away from that, just keep in touch. I am becoming more tolerant of the fact that everyone keeps asking: where are you from? That is also a way for others to connect.
My desire is that it will become more common in the Netherlands to talk about being a Chinese Dutch person, or a Brabant Dutch person. And that we will see how valuable each unique contribution is to our society. If everyone can be themselves and fully develop, the Netherlands will become an even nicer country where you can just be a person.
